Leia: A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
Man: Star Wars. Simply epic.
Woman: Really? Cause I like “The Fault in Our Stars.” A lot.
Man: What! That is blasphemy! Star Wars is far superior to any “chick
Woman: Whatever. There’s no lovin’ goin’ on in that movie.
Man: There is more lovin’ in that movie then there is in your
Woman: That's … not hard to do.
Man: You want me to prove it to you.
Woman: That would be nice.
Man: Okay, lets talk about Luke and Leia. They’re not really lovers, but
there is definitely some genuine feeling there, until they find out they’re
brother and sister.
Woman: GROSS! That is so disgusting!
Man: They don’t have sex. Get over it. Now, let’s do this.
Man: Episode IV. There is a civil war. Rebels are striking from a hidden
base, and they have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire.
During the battle, Rebel spies stole secret plans to the Empire's “Death Star,”
an armored space station with enough power to destroy a planet. A rebel leader,
Princess Leia, races home with the stolen plans that can save her people and
restore freedom to the galaxy. She is captured and taken captive. Leia awaits
execution in her cell, wondering if ANYONE will rescue her…
Woman: Wait what now?
Man: You’re kidding me right?
Woman: No, I have no idea what’s going on.
Man: There’s a war. Good-rebels. Bad-Darth Vader and the empire. The empire
kidnaps Princess Leia. They want her to tell them where the rebel base is.
Woman: (Puzzled) Okay, I get it.
Man: Ready to start again.
Man: Okay. It was love at first sight, for Luke anyway.
Luke: Kneeling down. Looks like you’ve got something jammed in there
Leia: From R2D2. Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope. (Leans
over presses button. Repeats several times Luke looks on in awe.)
Woman: Okay, she’s asking for help from some random guy. What happens
Man: He rescues her.
Woman: (Rolls eyes.) Yeah, but do they find the Obi-One guy?
Man: Obi-Wan Kenobi, yes. He
helps find a ship and pilot, Han Solo. Then they infiltrate the Death Star and
Leia: Aren’t you a little … short for a Storm trooper?
Luke: What? (Pulls of his helmet.) Oh . . . the Uniform. I’m Luke
Skywalker. I’m here to rescue you.
Luke: I’m here to rescue you. I’ve got your R2 Unit, and I’m here with
Leia: Ben Kenobi is here! Where is he!?
Luke: Come on!
Woman: Luke and Leia race through a hatch onto a narrow bridge spanning
a huge, deep cavern that goes to infinity! Luke almost rushes into the abyss,
but Leia, behind him, takes hold of his arm and pulls him back.
Luke: (Gasping.) I think we took a wrong turn.
Woman: Luke fires back at the advancing troops. Leia reaches over and
hits a switch that closes the hatch door, leaving them precariously perched on
a short piece of bridge. Laser fire from the enemy storm troopers continues.
Leia: There's no lock!
Luke: (Luke blasts the controls with his laser pistol.) That
ought a hold it for a while.
Leia: Quick! We've got to get across. Find the control that extends the
Luke: Oh … I think I just blasted it.
Leia: They're coming through!
Woman: Luke notices a grappling hook on his storm trooper belt.
Man: Luke hands the gun to Leia, and she hits one of the storm troopers
on the bridge above. Luke tosses the rope across the gorge and hooks it on some
pipes. He tugs on the rope to make sure it is secure. Then he grabs the
princess in his arms. Leia looks at Luke then…
Leia: (Kisses Luke.) For luck!
Man: Luke is very surprised. They push off and swing across the to the
hatchway on the other side.
Woman: Okay, that was pretty cool.
Man: Told you.
Woman: So, what happens next?
Man: Well, they all get back on the ship except for Obi-Wan Kenobi who
died valiantly fighting Darth Vader. (Wipes away a tear.)
Woman: Then what? When do they get it on? When do they find out they’re
Man: Obi-Wan just died and all you care about is sex!
Man: Not for another movie or so.
Woman: That sucks.
Man: Anyway, they have an epic escape scene. Han Solo and his co-pilot
Chewbacca get them out of the Death Star and back into space. They race to the
rebellion’s base, and Luke enlists in the cause there.
Woman: What happens to Han?
Man: I’m getting to that. The rebels find a way to get into the Death
Star and destroy it so Luke gets ready to go on that mission. Solo and Chewbacca
get a reward for rescuing the Princess and prepare to leave.
Woman: They come back, right?
Man: Well just listen, and you’ll find out. (Epic narrator voice.) As
our characters get ready to leave Leia and Luke steal a moment alone before the
mission takes off.
Leia: What’s wrong?
Luke: Oh it’s Han. I don’t know I’d really thought he’d change his mind.
Leia: He’s got to follow his own path. No one can choose it for him.
Luke: I only wish Ben were here.
Man: (Epic voice again.) The rebel fleet takes off and reaches
the Death Star. Despite laser fire they are getting closer and closer to their
target. Darth Vader sees this. He and two other ships go after the rebel fleet.
One by one the rebel fleet diminishes. Finally, it is down to only a few ships,
and Luke is their only hope.
Luke: Be just like Beggar’s Cannon back home.R2 try and increase
Obi-Wan Kenobi Voice: Use the force Luke. (Luke looks puzzled)
Let go Luke.
Darth Vader Voice: The force is strong with this one.
Obi-Wan Kenobi Voice: Luke, trust me.
(Luke turns off computer. Beep.)
Command Voice: Luke, you switched off your targeting computer, what’s
Luke: Nothing. I’m all right.
Han Solo Voice: You’re all clear kid, now let’s blow this thing and go
(Luke fires, large explosion)
Man: All of it was in time to save the rebel forces.
Woman: That’s it?
Man: Pretty much, R2 got shot up but he was repaired. Luke and Solo got
medals of Honor.
Woman: And they live happily ever after?
Man: Till the next movie anyway, yeah.
Woman: Well, what happens in the next one?
Both: NEXT MOVIE!
Man: Episode V. The rebellion is not doing well. The Death Star was
destroyed, but Imperial troops have chased the Rebel forces from their base. A
group of rebels, led by Luke Skywalker have established a new secret base on
the ice world of Hoth. Darth Vader, obsessed with finding Luke, has sent out bunches
of probes into space.
Man: Our story starts with Luke in sickbay after he is left to the
elements during a reconnaissance mission.
(Solo walks into Luke’s room. With a wush of the door.)
Solo: How you feelin’ kid? You don’t look so bad to me. You look strong
enough to pull ears off a gundark.
Luke: Thanks to you.
Solo: That’s two (holds up two fingers) you owe me junior. (Luke
laughs and Solo turns to Leia.) Well your worships looks like you managed
to keep me around a little longer.
Leia: I had nothing to do with it. The General thinks it’s dangerous for
any ships to leave to system until we’ve activated the energy shield.
Solo: That’s a good story. I thought you just bare to let a gorgeous guy
like me out of your sight.
Leia: I don’t know where you get your delusions laser brain.
Solo: Laugh it up fuzz ball. You didn’t see us alone in the South
passage. She expressed her true feelings for me.
Leia: WHAT!?!? You stuck up half witted scruffy looking nerfherder!
Solo: Who’s scruffy looking!? You must have hit pretty close to the mark
to get her all riled up like this, huh kid.
Leia: Well I guess you don’t know everything about women yet. (Kisses
Man: When she kisses Luke, I feel bad for Han.
Woman: Why? He’s being an ass.
Man: No. He is telling her the obvious facts.
Woman: You’re delusional.
Man: Back in Space the Millennium Falcon, Solo’s ship, has suffered some
damage, and everybody is working to fix it. Leia finishes welding the valves
she has been working on and attempts to reengage the system by pulling a lever.
It doesn't budge. Han notices her struggle and moves to help her. She rebuffs
Han: Hey, Your Worship, I'm only trying to help.
Leia: (still struggling) Would you please stop calling me that?
Han: Sure, Leia.
Leia: Oh, you make it so difficult sometimes.
Han: I do, I really do. You could be a little nicer, though. Come on
admit it. Sometimes you think I'm all right.
Leia: Occasionally, (a little smile.) maybe...when you aren't
acting like a scoundrel.
Han: (laughs) Scoundrel? Scoundrel? I like the sound of that.
Woman: With that, Han takes her hand and starts to massage it.
Leia: Stop that.
Han: Stop what?
Leia: Stop that! (Pulls hand away) My hands are dirty.
Han: My hands are dirty, too. What are you afraid of?
Leia: (looking right into his eyes) Afraid?
Man: Han looks at her with a piercing look. He's never looked more
handsome, more dashing, more confident. He reaches out slowly and takes Leia's
hand again. He draws it toward him.
Han: You're trembling.
Leia: I'm not trembling.
Man: Then with an irresistible combination of physical strength and
emotional power, Solo draws Leia into his arms, very slowly.
Han: You like me because I'm a scoundrel. There aren't enough scoundrels
in your life.
Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han: I'm a nice man.
Leia: No, you're not. You're . . .
Woman: Suddenly, Threepio appears in the doorway, speaking excitedly.
Threepio: Sir, sir! I've isolated the reverse power flux coupling.
Woman: Han turns slowly, icily, from their embrace.
Han: Thank you. Thank you very much.
Threepio: Oh, you're perfectly welcome, sir.
Man: The moment spoiled. Han marches out after Threepio. Then Han,
Chewbacca, Leia and C-3PO go to cloud city to visit Han’s friend Lando
Calrissian. But it’s a trap! Darth Vader is waiting there. He tortures Han to create
a disturbance in the force for Luke to feel and come into the trap. Then Darth
Vader gives Han to a bounty hunter.
Han: The princess . . . you have to take care of her. You hear me
Man: Han and Leia give each other what could be their last goodbyes.
Leia: I love you!
Han: I know.
Woman: I know? What kind of line is that?
Man: A genius line. The director let him say whatever he wanted. It was
Woman: It’s just sad.
Man: Its part of his character! Besides he’s going to be frozen in
carbonate, so he might not live.
(Woman starts crying)
Man: It’s not that bad.
Woman: How can you say that!? You don’t know. Have you ever been frozen
in carbonate?!? And now Luke’s going to die, Leia and Solo will never be together and, well, how can
there possibly be another movie!
Man: Don’t be so quick to judge. After all there is another movie.
Woman: Exactly! And it will be horrible, just like every other “sequel”
movie. It’s never as good as the first.
Man: SHUT UP! Just listen.
Woman: Only if you promise it will get better.
Man: (Making scout’s sign.) I promise.
Both: LAST MOVIE!
Man: Episode VI. Luke Skywalker had returned to his home planet to
rescue Han Solo from the clutches of the gangster Jabba the Hutt. Little does
he know that the galactic empire…
Woman: We don’t have enough time for this.
Man: What do you mean?
Woman: We only have ten minutes for this.
(Man looks disheartened)
Woman: I still want to know what happens.
Man: (Perks up and looks excited to tell the rest of the story.)
Woman: Yeah! But you have to do it in about two seconds.
Man: (Unsure) Okay, I can do that.
Woman: Okay. (Epic voice) Let’s do this.
Man: Our heroes go the Jabba the Hutt’s lair to save Han Solo. Everybody
gets out alive.
Man: Not even close. Ready to go again?
Woman: If we must we must.
Man: The rebels discover the Empire’s new battle station, and they form
a plan to destroy it including the Emperor who is there overseeing the
Woman: Our heroes land on a moon to shut down the protective energy
shield. They land in a dense forest and fight with the Storm troopers they find
Man: After the scuffle they become lost and end up in the hand of the
Woman: Time out. Ewoks?
Man: They’re natives to the moon who look like little bears—with spears.
Man: Continuing on, they spend the night with the nice ewoks. Luke,
however, has too much on his mind and slips out of the crowded main building
for a breath of fresh air.
Woman: Leia finds in the moonlight. He revels to her that they are
brother and sister. The children of Darth Vader. Now, he must know go find their
father, and try to convert him back to the light side.
Man: Luke slips away into the dark, after he and Leia share a kiss . . .
Woman: Wait, Luke and Leia kiss even after
they know they are brother and sister?!
Man: Can you stay on track!?!
Woman: Okay, let’s go again.
Man: Solo comes out, and he and Leia talk. She takes comfort in his
being there, and they hold each other.
Woman: Luke gives himself up to the Storm troopers, and is taken to see
Vader. Vader takes Luke to the Emperor where Luke is forced to watch, as the
rebels are led into a trap.
Man: The Emperor encourages Luke to “fulfill his destiny” by joining the
dark side. Luke and Vader eventually get into an intense light saber fight. Luke,
after chopping off his father’s arm, repents and refuses to fight as the
Emperor attacks him with force lightning.
Woman: Vader steps in just before it kills Luke, and he throws the Emperor
over a ledge in the ship, ending the Emperor’s reign.
Man: The rebels break through the defenses just as Luke escape the Death
Star, and it blows up! Solo finds out that Leia is single and not at all
interested in Luke.
Woman: Is there anymore? If there is, I quit. This is exhausting.